Guys Guide to Girls
by Dark Nadeshiko
Summary: Watch as your favorite tennis players learn about girls. Their quirks, habits, likes and dislikes. They'll learn how to understand and might just get girlfriends with some help from the girls. Chapter Three: The Dreaded PMS!
1. Pickup Lines

**Dark** **Nadeshiko**-Wow, my third ficcie already! So proud! pats head

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As you all know, there's a time when our bodies start to change and new feelings begin to arise at the most random moments. And no, I'm not talking about gaining weight and losing control of your bowels and bladder when you hit ninety. Puberty, we've all endured it haven't we? (And if you haven't, that means you shouldn't be reading this ficcie in the first place, so scram!) Finding that your pants don't fit as snugly as before, hair coming out of more sensitive places, random intervals where your voice just can't decide where it wants to go, and worst of all, yes, you know what I'm referring too, the _'talk'._

We all know the theoretical part of human reproduction, but the hardest part is, getting to that step. They don't teach you how to proceed when trying to attract the attention of the opposite sex; you're supposed to learn that by yourself. Of course, the all the tennis playing jocks are too obsessed to bother about this. It's always tennis first, food second, sleep, and then school if they feel like it. This contributes to their lack of understanding towards the opposite (and much more informed) sex.

This is why Tachibana An, Yukimura Miyu (whom I'm still not sure if she's an OC or not, if she is, tell me and I'll remove her immediately) Osaka Tomoka, and Ryuuzaki Sakuno were on a mission to prevent the regulars from A) getting killed by their fan girls B) getting slapped by older sisters, classmates, and such and most importantly, C) getting neutered by their girlfriend (Or boyfriends) before they spawn the next generation of idiosyncratically dramatic tennis players.

Lesson One- Pick-up lines

It was a lazy Friday afternoon, tennis practice was cancelled due to severe cases of food poisoning, Inui was being held in custody in Ryuuzaki-sensei's office for attempted murder. Since he had nothing else to do, Fuji made up his mind to visit his darling little brother Yuuta; dragging along Momo and Echizen to distract that nameless purple thing that always seems to appear around Yuuta. You know the chain reaction that occurs when Echizen goes anywhere, Tomoka follows and Sakuno goes makes sure she doesn't get herself killed, and to sneak glances at her Ryoma-kun, but that's besides the point.

They decided to stop at the street tennis courts first, just in case he was there. And he was, along with the purple thing that Fuji still couldn't give a name to. In fact, the entire St. Rudolph team was there. Fuji bounded up to his horrified brother and proceeded to embarrass the hell outta him.

"Momoshiro-kun! Echizen-kun!" Looks like An was here too.

"What are you doing here?" Kamio snapped, shoving his face into Momo's.

"Yes, what are you doing here?" Shinji muttered, "Its bad enough that St. Rudolph is cluttering up the courts. This is all a plot to intimidate those of us who are claustrophobic isn't it? Not that any of us are, but I'd never thought that Seigaku would sink that low. For shame, what would Tachibana-san think of this? This-"

"Shinij…shut up."

They walked over to the Fuji brothers to talk with the others. "Oi, Akazawa, where's your doubles partner? Did you scare him off already?" Momo sniped.

"Kaneda? No, he's over there."

"Who's the girl sitting with him? His girlfriend? She's cute."

"He wishes," Akazawa scoffed, "The idiot's failing English, he has to raise his marks or else he's off the team. Igarashi's here to tutor him."

"Lucky bastard, maybe I should start failing English too da-ne." Yanagisawa muttered.

"He's just jealous he doesn't have a pretty girl peering over his shoulder." Kisarazu, his partner, muttered, "And that he doesn't have the guts to talk to her."

"I do to da-ne! I'll prove it da-ne!" He stalked over to the benches.

"Poor guy," An tsked, "Yoshiko-chan's going to give him a tongue lashing for sure." She had met her at the hospital two years ago when her brother broke his foot.

Now let us observe the foreseen disaster. Yoshiko was peacefully reading her book, waiting for Kaneda to finish his worksheet so she could check it over. When all of a sudden, "Igarashi-chan da-ne," Her book was plucked away, "After you're done helping Kaneda da-ne.I was thinking, you, me, dinner da-ne?"

She narrowed her eyes threateningly, "Well, I was thinking," She paused, Yanagisawa leaned forward eagerly, "My foot, your ass, the curb?" She snatched her book back, "Perhaps the other sempai-tachi are interested?"

"Stop, drop and roll, cause you just got burned!" Momo snickered, "You wanna pay for our dinner instead?"

"Shut up da-ne! It's not like you can do any better da-ne!"

"Watch and learn." He slid up to her, "Hello beautiful."

"Pity I can't say the same for you," She flipped a page, "Could you move? You're blocking the light."

He backed off as if burned, no pun intended. "Man, that girl is tough." Momo whined.

"She should be. She has a reputation to maintain." Nomura informed him, "She may not look like it, but she goes to Orihime."

"Orihime? _The_ Orihime?" Kamio was incredulous.

"What's Orihime?" Sakuno asked, completely in awe that she was speaking up at all.

"It's an all girls institution that includes elementary, junior high and senior high schools with 5300 students. (Very slight crossing over with Zodiac PI, but only the schools.) It's completely gifted organization. People from all over the world transfer to it, but only gifted, scholarship, or delinquent girls attend. The main language spoken is English, with Japanese as a second language. Because of its multicultural populace, it is very into feminism and close-knit." Mizuki counted off, "The junior high and senior high students share facilities and some classes with St. Rudolph to make sure they get an outside influence. Igarashi-chan over there is in most of Yuuta's classes even though she's a year younger."

"Have you been stalking me Mizuki-sempai?" Everyone jumped, a bit guilty, "Sorry to break it to you, but I don't like you that way." Yoshiko smirked, "Better luck next time."

"Next time what?" Yuuta had finally detached himself from his brother's iron clutches.

"Nothing," Yoshiko waved it off, "Could you show Kaneda-sempai the notes on noun clauses and participial adjective phrases? I didn't bring them along." He nodded, "Sankyuu Fuji-sempai."

Yuuta blushed, "You don't have to call me that. We're in the same classes anyways. It's just Yuuta."

"Hai Yuuta-san." She smiled, "An-chan, who are your friends?"

"Oh!" An jumped up, "These are our friends from Seigaku, this is Fuji Syuusuke, Momoshiro Takashi, Echizen Ryoma, Ryuuzaki Sakuno and…"

"Osakada Tomoka, nice to meet you! Don't steal Ryoma-sama got it!" Tomoka glared childishly.

"… wouldn't dream of it," She smirked, "Fuji Syuusuke?"

"Saa…" Fuji smiled, "Yuuta's my younger brother."

"Ah…Yuuta-san aniki." (Yuuta's older brother) Yuuta grinned; it was a nice change to have the roles reversed wasn't it? "Pleased to meet you."

"Why are you so nice to Fuji-sempai and not us?" Momo complained. He does that a lot doesn't he?

"Well…."

"He's much better looking." Tomoka injected, Yanagisawa looked outraged. (He is not da-ne!-Yanagisawa)

"He's very friendly and polite." Sakuno offered shyly.

"Didn't use any corny pick-up lines either." An pointed out.

"He's Yuuta-san's aniki, and he annoys the hell outta Mizuki-sempai quite skillfully." Yoshiko smirked.

"You're so mean to your sempai-tachi!" Mizuki moaned, "I'm dreadfully hurt!"

"Nah, I think it's just you. And Yanagisawa-san." An turned to the girls, "So, want to go get some ice-cream? I'll pay."

"Alright, my treat next time then." They headed for the stairs, "Yuuta-san, Yuuta-san aniki, Kisarazu-sempai, are you coming?"

"Hai!" Without a second look back, they all walked off together.

"You realize that your fan club just ditched you for ice-cream right?" Momo nudged Ryoma, "Ah, to be young again!"

"Why does Atsushi get to go da-ne?"

"…he called her pretty." Nomura said as if that explained everything.

It didn't.

Pick up lines, as a member of the female species, my first and only advice is if you say the crap, prepare to be slapped. Or hit, punched, kicked, shoved or suffer any other kind of verbal, physical, and or egoistical abuse.

So what did the St. Rudolph regulars learn today?

Pick-up lines don't work. That is unless; you have a face like Fuji…….or Tezuka. sigh

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**Dark Nadeshiko-** I've always hated Yanagisawa, his hair really bothers me, so does his lip, voice, and da-ne, da-ne thing. The Fuji brothers and Atsushi are to die for! Read and Review! 


	2. Signals

**Dark Nadeshiko**- Hey! I'm still not satisfied with this ficcie, but I figure I should just post and get it over with so I don't stress myself out over it.

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Walking on the moon, cloning, nuclear experiments, men think they've been there, done that. Che, when are they going to do something that's they actually need? Sure, they think they're all that, but how come they mess up some of the most straightforward things?

"Ohayo Kamio-kun!" An beamed up at him, tucking her newly cut hair behind her ears.

"Ohayo An-chan!" Kamio smiled shyly, "You look…nice today."

"Sankyuu!" She grabbed his arm playfully, "Let's hurry or we'll be late for practice!"

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Thwap-(insert whatever noise there is when a ball is hit really hard) 

"Tachibana six games to two!" An shook hands with her opponent and skipped out of the court.

"Nice game An-chan!" Kamio praised.

"Yes, you're getting quite good." Shinji muttered, "Tachibana-san is going to have to watch out or else you'll beat him. The girls' tennis club is improving greatly, even though they have so few members. Having such few people to practice will slow down your progress. Is that why you always go to the street tennis courts? Or is it because Kamio is always there?"

"Are you getting sick An-chan?" Kamio asked concernedly, "You face is all red."

"Iie, iie, I'm fine!" An waved it aside.

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"Ano…Tachibana-san?" Sakurai shuffled his feet nervously, "I have something to ask you." 

"What is it Sakurai? Is it about the homework?"

"Iie, I…ano…there's this girl see…" He mumbled.

"It's not An is it?" An aura of brotherly protectiveness flared dangerously, he stood in front of his smaller sister.

"Iie, iie! This girl, she's been smiling at me for a while, and…ano…I was wondering if I should ask her out!"

"Of course!" Tachibana, obviously, had no more experience with girls other than his mother and sister, "As long as it's not An." An smacked for forehead, this just screamed disaster. Call it a woman's intuition.

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"Ne nii-san? Isn't that Sakurai-kun over there?" An pointed to a curled up shadow in a corner. 

"What's wrong Sakurai? Haven't you asked that girl out yet?" Tachibana asked.

"It turns out it wasn't me that she was interested in." Sakurai moaned. An rolled her eyes, didn't she already mention before that it wasn't going to work?

"Who was it than?"

On the other side of the window they were standing next to…

"Mori-kun!" A pretty blond girl all but pounced on the tall boy. "Are you going to eat lunch now?"

"Huh? Ah, hai." Mori was looking confused.

"Ano…" She traced a toe in the dirt, "Do you want to eat with me?"

"Ah…gomen, demo, I always eat with the other tennis club members." He scratched his head sheepishly, "Kondou, the baseball captain, looks like he's not with his team. Why don't you ask him? Ja!" He walked off.

"Argghh!" Sakurai clutched his temples, "Mori just blew off the girl that I embarrassed myself in front of!"

"Minna-san!" Mori walked over.

"Yo," Ishida and Uchimura sat down, "What was Kimura talking with you about?"

"Kimura? Ah, she asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her." Mori opened his bentou, "I think she got bored with her friends."

"An! Why are you knocking your head against the wall?" Kamio and Shinji slouched down beside everyone else.

"Tetsu-kun!" A bunch of girls waved furiously from the roof, "Konnichiwa!"

"Hmm?" Ishida looked up lazily, "Yo!" The girls burst into fits of giggles. "Is there something on my face or what?"

"Don't mind them." Tachibana said, "The food is getting cold."

"Pssshhht…girls." Uchimura scoffed, "With the exception of you of course An-chan!"

"I think that blond girl likes you Kamio," Ishida commented during after school practice, "She keeps on glancing in your direction.

"Ah, you mean Moriyama?" Kamio squinted, "I thought she was watching Tachibana-san. 'sides, she's not the one I'm interested in."

"I just beat the girls' buchou!" An grinned, she hugged Kamio, "Where's 'nii-san?" She wandered off, leaving behind a red faced Kamio.

"Aahh, I wish An-chan would give me a sign whether she liked me or not." He muttered to himself, not aware that An was right behind him.

'Wahhh! Kamio-kun is so stupid!'

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An was _beyond_ frustrated. Because she was raised to be a polite and modest girl, she stopped herself from screaming at the object or objects of her aggravation. Instead, she accepted an invitation to sugary, calorie filled confections and rich coffee. 

"What has the ever cake done to you?" Yoshiko asked, stirring her drink, "Ever consider anger management?"

"Nani?" An looked down at what was left of a delicate strawberries and cream cake. "Oh, sorry." She stabbed a berry, "I hate men."

"Join the club." Miyu said sardonically. She was Yukimura's younger sister; all three of them had met at the hospital two years ago. Since all three of them had older brothers, two of them being captains of their respective school's tennis team, they hit it ff immediately. "We don't need men, not while we have chocolate." She scooped up a forkful of chocolate fondue.

"Why is it that the only girl friends I have are all man-haters?" Yoshiko asked, "Kinda ironic isn't it? Since we mostly have guy friends."

"Meh, what's not to hate?" An pointed out.

"Heh, you're just bitter because your wonderful Akira-kun is thicker than a block of wood when it comes to girls, specifically you." Miyu chuckled, "Even if he wasn't, your brother would probably beat him within an inch of his life if he even looked at you the wrong way. I say, unless you ask him out yourself, you're screwed."

"Shut up!" An groan.

"You're not making the situation any better Miyu-chan." Yoshiko scolded, "Besides, you have a very protective brother too you know."

"Yeah, yeah." Miyu waved her off.

"Girls! Back to my problem here!" An complained.

"Of course princess, tell us what happened." Yoshiko soothed.

After listening to her recap of her day, Miyu and Yoshiko burst out laughing. "They're worst than my brother and his friends!"

"Who's worst than Yukimura and Rikkai Dai?" Tachibana's voice suddenly cut in.

"Nii-san!" "Tachibana-san! And everyone else too."

"Saa, since you're all here. We're going to tell you a few things. Sit, sit!" Miyu gestured to a row of benches placed conveniently nearby. She paced back and forth like a lecturing professor. "Girls, women, are generally more modest than guys. So, instead of saying anything outright, they use a discreet but simple body language to communicate."

"Miyu-chan?" Yoshiko interrupted, "I don't think they understand what you're saying." It was true, most of them, which was everyone except for Shinij, Tachibana and Kamio had a glazed look in their eyes. "Let me try."

She whipped out a small pointer out with a flick of her wrist. "Just, because a girl looks in your direction does not mean that she is interested in you. Neither does smiling, passing by your locker or acknowledging you in the halls count unless it is done excessively." Her pointer hovered dangerously close to Ishida's nose like a rapier.

"Any giggling, whispering, blushing and or fainting that is triggered by your name or presence is a sign that they have an interest in you. Physical displays of affection are most likely the most certain hint that she likes you. Invitations to lunch or other extra curricular activities can be either done in admiration or awareness. Not all compliments given are meant to attract you; they maybe just respect you or your skills."

"All in all, don't over think things, but don't assume either. Use your head, if you can't accomplish that, just ask another girl, preferably An, for advice." She plopped down in her chair, "I think that went fairly well."

"That sounded a bit too well Yoshiko-chan." Miyu commented, "I think you broke them." The boys were staring at the space where she was previously occupying, all that was missing was the drool.

Yoshiko shrugged, "I gave the same speech to the St. Rudolph guys." She finished her milk, "You wouldn't believe how innocent the are."

Still looking dazed, Tachibana stood up, "I think we should get going now." The guys all hurried out the door with a few hasty farewells.

And what did Fudomine learn? Absolutely nothing, but at least now they know that if they have girl problems, they should ask a girl.

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**Dark Nadeshiko**- Review! 


	3. The Dreaded PMS

**Dark Nadeshiko:** I know I haven't been updating this story in a while, but I'm back!

Enjoy!

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There are times when even the most unlikely people do something completely out of character. It doesn't matter if you are a husband, boyfriend, brother, or friend, as long as you have that extra appendage between your legs, you have at one point wondered about, or dreaded, a member of the fairer sex when they are approaching their time of the month. All that have survived have hopefully learned to stand far away, in another country if possible, far, far away. 

Now, we watch as our tour guides lead us through the stages of the premenstrual cycle.

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Stage one-Grouchiness 

"Ano, Osakada-chan," Kachirou called, "Could you please move? I can't see the board." He tried to look around his taller classmate's head.

"…are you calling me fat?" Tomoka asked, her eyes glittering with malicious intent,

"I-i-iie." Kachirou backed away slowly; everyone knows you should never ever refer to a girl as fat, big, or anything along those lines.

"Good. If you can't see the board, move to a different spot." She continued copying down her notes.

"B-b-but…"

"But?" Tomoka smiled eerily, "But what?"

"N-n-nothing!"

"Shouldn't you be copying down the notes?"

"H-h-hai!" Kachirou scrambled out of his chair and stumbled away as fast as his legs could carry him.

Sure, you might think that this is the normal level of crabbiness that Tomoka exhibits, but to those who are subjected to it everyday, (the freshman trio) they can tell that if they angered her today, she would find very creative ways to kill them using a mechanical pencil and a steel edged ruler.

"Ohayo Osakada-chan." Fuji smiled good-naturedly.

"Ohayo gozaimasu Fuji-sempai." Tomoka bowed hurriedly, "Why is sempai here so early in the morning?"

"Saaa...I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"It was just a polite question, geez, you could have just said you felt like it for I cared." Tomoka fumed, rolling her eyes, "Jackass." She flounced away, flipping her hair for good measure.

Fuji wasn't accustomed to being surprised; in fact, he could count the number of times he had been on one hand. Nevertheless he stared open eyed and slack-jawed after the petite girl. "What was that about?"

As you can see, three to four days prior to the actually bleeding, girls tend to get offended at the slightest things. Your simple request for the time could trigger a verbal assault on your person. The freshmen trio has now learned that they would rather be late for practice and run laps rather than provoke any females in or near heat.

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Stage Two- Bloating 

"Arghh!" Miyu tossed a pair of jeans away in frustration, "Why don' these fit anymore?"

"Miyu!" Her brother, Yukimura Seiichi, called, "Hurry up!"

"I'm trying to find something to wear!" She yelled back. She, her brother, Sanada, Marui and Akaya were going to the mall to meet with the girls and see a movie or two.

"We're going to be late!" Yukimura stood in the doorway observing his little sister scurrying around in her undergarments. "Here put these on." He tossed her the first set of clothes he saw.

Miyu tossed on the t-shirt and cut-offs grumpily. "These look horrible 'nii-san."

"You look fine," Yukimura smiled reassuringly.

"I look fine; can't you ever say anything else? That's not an opinion! You always say the same thing no matter what I wear unless you think it's indecent! You can say I look bad you know!" She stomped out the door, "Men," She spat, "They're all the same."

"Seiichi, are you alright?" Sanada looked at his bewildered captain in concern.

"I wonder what's wrong with her." Marui muttered, popping his gum. "Get up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"Don't think I can't hear you!" Miyu screeched, scaring the hell outta them. "Come on Akaya, we're supposed to meet the others in ten minutes!" She dragged him to the station in a half hug, half headlock. He looked imploringly at his sempai-tachi, but they had wisely decided to keep their distance.

It's like the moment our period hits, we absorb all water we come in contact with and swell up. At once, clothing doesn't fit right, and we aren't comfortable in any situation unless it involves chocolate, a few female friends, and a nice violent movie. Any attempts to calm us with 'you look fine' will generate an intention to kill. (See Grouchiness)

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Stage Three- Cramps 

A week ago, Yoshiko and the rest of St. Rudolph and Orihime sat in the middle of an extremely boring assembly.

"Can you stop squirming?" Akazawa snapped at the tiny girl sitting beside him. "It's really annoying."

"Go screw yourself." She snarled back, "Or better yet, go screw the headmaster, his voice is really irritating."

"What's wrong Leona?" Yoshiko asked.

"Cramps." Yoshiko smiled in sympathy and gave her roommate a piece of candy she snagged off Mizuki.

"Cramps? Did you pull something during swim practice?" Yuuta asked like the sweet, caring gentleman that he was.

"Period cramps." Everyone but Yoshiko, who knew what it was like, Mizuki, who didn't care, and Yanagisawa, turned red at the ears.

"It can't be that bad." Yanagisawa scoffed, it's always him that's the idiot isn't it?

"Stab a hole in your stomach and force air into it through a tire pump if you wanna see how it feels like." Leona grumbled, "And if you want severe cramps, ask that guy from Seigaku to aim at your groin next time." Everyone winced collectively.

Every woman experiences some measure of discomfort during these horrendous times, but of course there are some exceptions. While most of us can ease it with pain-killers, a hot water bottle or a strong shot of tequila, some women have such nerve-racking pains that they are practically handicapped in pain.

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Stage Four- Mood swings 

Miyu, Tomoka, Sakuno, and An all stood around waiting for Yoshiko to come. All the Rikkai Dai boys had made their excuses and ran as soon as they saw the others. Kamio and Sakurai had stayed with An to watch the movie and protect her from any wandering male gazes under the strict order of her brother.

"What's wrong with you?" Kamio asked Sakuno offhandedly, who was grimacing in pain.

"Why do all men immediately assume that something is wrong?" Sakuno screeched, shredding all of Kamio's previous notions of her to minuscule pieces. "You wanna know what's wrong? I'm bleeding and cramping because you men are too lazy to birth your own children!" Kamio edged away slowly, turning to find that Sakurai had already fled for safety.

"Sorry I'm late everyone!" Yoshiko bowed, "Hope you haven't been waiting for long!"

"Of course not!" Sakuno chirped, "Konnichiwa Hyotei-san." All eight Hyotei regulars had come with Yoshiko. "Are you going to watch the movie with us?"

"I've never been inside a public cinema before ne Kaba-" Atobe commented.

"Than let's get going already!" An cut in, she pointed to the counter, "Go and buy your tickets, we'll wait here."

"What's wrong with you?" Gakuto asked, "On your rag or something?" An kicked him hard in the shins and flounced off.

"Itai!" Gakuto cursed, "What was that for?"

Yoshiko flicked him gently, "Unless you're able to conceive children, I'd advise you not to use nicknames we women give to our period."

Otori cautiously approached the still fuming An, "You want to find some seats now Tachibana-chan?" He held out a bag of chocolates.

"Fine, let's go." She forcefully dragged everyone into the darkened room, ignoring their protests.

The sudden increase of hormones injected into our system during our period causes us to switch back and forth from sweet, loving, virginal Mary's to homicidal, crazed, chainsaw serial killers in the time it take you to blink. In the span of five minutes, we can say anything along the lines of, 'I love you, GO SCREW YOURSELF, give a hug, LEAVE ME ALONE, how are you, GET ME CHOCOLATE!'

Any comments about our period are to be kept to yourself unless you want to be verbally assaulted, torn apart, and then thrown to the dogs. Always keep a bag of sweets (preferably chocolate) nearby, like a rabid dog; we can be calmed with treats. Do not attempt to ask 'what's wrong'; it'll only make us feel worse. And don't even bother tell us how 'wonderful' or 'God-given' our period is, we all know what a load of BS that is. It's bound to get you blown up ten ways into the next millennia.

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**Dark Nadeshiko:** I'm willing to accept an ideas you might have about a topic, such as Valentine's Day, or first dates. Things like that, feel welcome to send them along with your reviews! --Hint hint-- 

I've recieved reviews about how this fic isn't so good. Any ideas on how I can improve? Or should I rewrite or just delete it?

Review!


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